Whose behind the pen…and why I blog.
Many writers will tell you they’ve been writing from a very young age…that writing is in their blood. Not so for me. I never dreamed of writing nor did I ever plan to be a writer. Writing for me came from a love of history that turned into a love of words.
I’ve written stories in my head since I was a young child. However, I never viewed it as writing rather as a way to quiet my mind and fall asleep. At night when the worries of the day would flood my mind…racing…zipping from one concern to the next I would shut them down by acting out stories in my mind–a game I played–unto I fell into dreamland.
I’ve always loved reading and learning about history. I acquired a teaching degree and planned to teach American history. God had other plans…I would homeschool my four children.
About eight years ago, after years of reading historical fiction, I thought it might be fun to write a historical fiction story of my own. I began authoring pages and found that I truly enjoyed writing, but as you know life has a way of getting busy. And busy life did get…unbelievably busy!
Busy at my own hands…saying, “Yes,” when I should have said, “No.” People pleasing was an idol that drove my every decision. People pleasing came as naturally to me as breathing, an unconscious decision to keep peace…peace at all cost! Conflict was so uncomfortable that I would do almost anything to avoid it.
It is often hard to get people to volunteer their services…and once it is found out that you are willing to help… you, suddenly, are in demand. I began serving in my children’s classrooms at church and one “yes” turned into two, and in a few years time I was the energizer bunny! My family and I practically lived at church…helping with this event or another.
We ran around this hamster wheel for several years…sacrificing family…sacrificing our children. I was serving an idol…people pleasing…not God. In 2010, I began to hear the Lord whisper…slow…cut back! I refused to listen…people pleasing was my lifeline…I feared man more than my God.
I and my family didn’t have the stamina for the pace we were keeping. I, my husband, and my children are all introverts–we need time alone to recharge. I battled depression which stole my energy and I homeschooled my four children which, I’m sure you know, takes a great deal of time.
One should be able to walk away from serving without fear of backlash, but I could not. I had witnessed others who had walked away and I knew all to well what can happy when one steps away from serving. I want to be very clear this was not a church wide problem…only a few, but even a few can make things uncomfortable if you are the one to upset their apple cart.
My family was in crisis by the fall of 2012…my children asked…begged, really, to stay home, but I feared the fallout to such a degree that I refused…and we stayed on the hamster wheel. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted. I got up each morning and willed myself to go through the motions. I was at the end of my rope. I wondered how long, I could keep up the charade, before my will would break and my world would come tumbling down.
Miserable is, much, too tame a word to describe how I was feeling…angry, wounded, betrayed, hopeless, tormented, and nearly destroyed…would be better choices. Sarcasm began to ooze from my lips it was the only way I could continue to step through the pain. I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror…certainly not an example of Christ!
Sin is ugly…it draws one in promising false gods and it hurts the sinner, as well, as those around them…especially those whom the sinner loves. My idol “people pleasing” had to go! God was tired of playing second fiddle to man. He used that fall to get my attention, to break the chains of people pleasing, and to give me true freedom…bondage to an idol is not freedom.
How? Depression…it hovered like a heavy fog…stole my energy and eventually brought me to my knees. Two weeks, before Christmas God placed the final straw on my back and my house of cards came tumbling down. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was done! I gave the reins of my life over to the Lord.
I stopped serving outside my home and my family and I rested. My family physician helped me to get my depression under control and the healing began. It takes time to heal and I was careful not to jump back into the deep end before I was ready. God had shown me were my loyalties needed to lie and I have determined to only serve where God leads and no other place.
It was during this time that I felt the Lord leading me to start blogging…I know, God has a funny sense of timing.
I didn’t know the first thing about blogging, I’m computer challenged, and the only blog I’d read was Ann Voskamps. Even so, I started this blog. I wrote what God laid on my heart and thus this blog began.
I write in hopes of encouraging my readers. When you stop by, I hope that you will read something that will make your day a little sweeter.
If God wills, this year, I would like to begin writing more personal memories like Married Times Two on Christmas…Once in Kentucky…Once in Ohio. I also would like to write some fiction for you to read, and I will continue to write whatever God lays on my heart.
Writing brings me great joy, it helps me to capture my thoughts, and I hope it will be a blessing and an encouragement to you.