Season’s Greetings, my friend! I’m excited you stopped by. I hope you will visit often! I’m reposting–100th Post-How It Came To Be–I wrote it the first of September. It’s the Rosetta Stone of how I started writing/blogging.
I believe my writing is a gift from God; when I say gift I mean, a gift, to me…from Him. I think once you’ve heard my story you will agree.
I never had a desire to write (anything…ever) until about six or seven years ago–it was never a lifetime dream…it wasn’t even a bleep on the radar. I did, however, love reading the written word–I could be transported to a different time, different place without ever leaving the comfort of my own home. I could go on a journey and still be home in time for supper. But as much as I loved reading, I never had the slightest desire to do any writing of my own. I was perfectly content to read what other people wrote. However, there was a time when reading was the last thing I wanted to do.
You see…I had a very difficult time learning to read. The trouble started in the first grade. I can still remember my dad sitting with me after school trying to help me read. He became frustrated, I became frustrated, and eventually I just gave up and quit trying. I muddled through until the third grade. My parents were told if they did not hold me back a year of school I would eventually fail a grade and that it was easier for a child to repeat a year of school when they were younger. Therefore, my parents decided, it would be best for me to repeat the third grade. Although, I’ve never been tested for dyslexia, I believe I’m slightly dyslexic (dyslexia was not something people knew a lot about when I was in elementary school). Throughout my later years of school, teachers often told me they saw signs of me being dyslexic–especially with mathematics (I very often turned numbers around). I don’t believe my dyslexia is severe, but I do believe it’s severe enough to make learning to read a challenge.
Holding me back a year was viewed by my teacher as a good thing for me academically and from that standpoint it was–I picked up reading right away with my second go round in the third grade. But from an emotional standpoint it was not! You see I was a very shy child–my teachers described me as painfully shy. Therefore, when the next school year rolled around and I started the third grade for the second time; and my previous classmates discovered that I’d not been promoted with them they began to throw unkind words at me like stupid, dumb, and failure–their words were aimed to wound and I can assure you they hit their mark. This was not a one time occurrence it happened day-after-day. When I would walk to the school bus at the end of a school-day some of my previous classmates would wait in front of their buses for me to walk by so that they could ridicule, jab, and put-me-down. Their taunts slashed and cut my heart to threads, my self-esteem plummeted–which did not improve my shyness–and I began to believe their unkind words. If my memory serves me well this went on for about two years.
When my fall from grace was finally forgotten, by all but myself, it became my secret. I didn’t want anyone to find out–I wanted the insults…taunts to end. I tried to avoid telling people my age. If they new my age then they would know I’d had to repeat a year of school. I never lied, but I did my best to avoid the question. If I was put on the spot and someone insisted on knowing my age I would tell them–children have a strange fascination about how old you are. Then those dreaded words were spoken, “Oh, you failed!” Now, spoken, without intent to inflict pain, but stung…they did!
I was a pretty average student by the time I reached high school. My grades were mostly A’s and B’s with an occasional C and I planned to go to college. I met with my school guidance counselor about how to prepare for college. When I told her I wanted to go to college she said, “You need to get that out of your head right now, your not smart enough to go to college.” I know your probably having a hard time believing she said such a thing, but I assure you I can still hear her words to this day. I was shocked when I heard her words, after all, she was supposed to be helping me not hindering. I decided rather than give up, I’d show her. I went on to get a Bachelor’s Degree in Secondary Education.
All my life I’ve struggled with feeling of self doubt, inadequacy, not as intelligent as the next person, one step away from proving I’m a failure. Achieving that four year degree did little to turn that belief around. I tell you this not to get your sympathy or to get you to feel sorry for me. I tell you this so that you can see how great our God is.
About six or seven years ago God put a desire in my heart to write a book, not only did he put the desire in my heart but He gave me the confidence to start writing. Although it’s not complete…its under way…and God willing someday it will be complete.
I’ve also struggled with people-pleasing–I avoid conflict at all cost. As I look back over my life it’s not hard for me to see why I struggle in this area, however, God is helping me to overcome. I won’t lie and tell you people-pleasing is no longer and issue in my life, but I will tell you I’m making strides to overcome it.
You see…last fall (2012) I went through a very difficult period in my life. I was way over-extended with serving outside my family. God had been telling for over a year I needed to step back from too many responsibilities, however, I would not listen. I feared disappointing man more than I feared God. He grew weary of my disobedience to heed His Word to slow down, step back for a time, focus on my family. He got my attention, brought me to my knees and helped me to put His will for my life…first–where it should be. It was in this season that I felt God calling me to blog. I knew nothing about blogging, I hadn’t even read a blog. It was totally foreign to me. But I was convinced blogging was something God wanted me to do. Therefore, I obeyed.
I hope you see God’s grace in this. God took a shy girl, who was taunted and told what a failure she was and turned her into a writer. A woman scared of being exposed as a failure–fearful of being taunted once again. A woman still haunted by words that were spoken nearly forty years ago. God gave her the courage to write and put her words out for the whole world to read. That my friend can only be God. God has put this passion in my heart. His gift of words, He has given to me. I hope you can see what a glorious God we serve. The words I spill for you to read are from God…I’m just the typist.
For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37
Words are powerful. They have the ability to bring hope and change to a hurting world. They also also have the ability to crush, wound, and break a spirit. Words thrown about carelessly have the potential to leave scars that may last a lifetime. Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. Proverbs 12:18
Count blessings, Kasey